The development of emotional and sexualrelationships is an important part of our lives.  For many of us when we're young, the prospect of a relationship provides an opportunity to express ourselves without self-censorship or fear. It's a way to test out our feelings and desires and to learn new skills. For some of us, a relationship may also provide the first opportunity to have sex with another man. For these, and other reasons, many of us rush into relationships or desperately seek them out in order to experience the feelings and desires that have been locked away or unable to be expressed for many years. However, it is important to realise that you don't have to be involved in a relationship to experience being gay. Most of these feelings can also be experienced as a single person, especially if you have access to gay social situations.

Although being single may not seem as attractive an idea as entering into a full-on relationship with the man you love, it does offer opportunities to explore your feelings at your own pace and without possible restrictions and disappointments that relationships can sometimes bring.

It is rare for our early relationships to last a life time.  The romantic ideal of high school sweethearts falling in love and being together for the rest of their lives is rare in both straight and gay relationships. Most of us find a need to explore our sexuality with a variety of partners and types of relationships before we are prepared to "settle down." In this way we sharpen our ability to understand and maintain relationships by having a breadth of experience from which to draw.

Successful gay relationships
Most of the expectations we have about our relationships and our lovers are based on what we see around us. Other people's relationships often provide a frame of reference or a model for us on how to live our lives. This does not necessarily mean that we strive to copy them. In many cases, they show the aspects of relationships which we want to avoid.          

Our parents have a particularly strong influence on our beliefs and expectations about relationships. For most gay guys though, our parents' relationship gives us little insight into how to handle issues in a same-sex relationship. Theirs seem to be based on getting married and raising a family. For gay guys, at least at the moment, the prospects of following in our parent's footsteps in this way are not so good. So how do we learn what a "successful" gay relationship is?

Newspapers, magazines, television and movies usually portray gay guys and gay life as "fast lane", uncommitted, hedonistic and selfish. These images add to the myth that gay relationships can't work. Seldom do we see in the media examples of the millions of successful, satisfying and long-term gay and lesbian relationships throughout the world. In fact, it's not often that we see any examples of gay relationships in the media at all.

Even on the gay scene, it is often hard to see examples of successful relationships unless you are prepared to invest some time in searching them out. This is largely because the gay scene tends to cater more for single guys than for guys in relationships. At least it often seems that way!

Whatever the reasons, it remains that a good role model for gay relationships is often hard to find - particularly if you don't have much to do with the gay community or are not involved in gay groups such as social or sporting groups. It is through trial and error that we get a satisfactory understanding of successful same-sex relationships.

The diversity of Relationships
Relationships can be viewed as a reflection of the personalities of the people in them. Just as no two people are the same, no two relationships are the same. The process of making agreements on the rules of our relationships is ongoing. Agreements are changed and updated as aspects of the relationship change over time.

All of us come to a relationship with ideas of what we want from it. We cannot expect our partner's wants and needs to exactly match ours. Some of us want a relationship where sex only happens within the relationship (monogamy), while others want the option to have sex with a number of men while still being involved in a loving relationship. Neither viewpoint is more mature nor moral than the other. They are both reasonable choices.

Knowing what we want from a relationship is never easy at first. As mentioned before, our first relationships often just copy the rules and behaviour of others (such as our parents) without really understanding or questioning why we do it. Nevertheless, from this starting point we can examine and compare these rules to see if they work for us.

There is no one formula for success. One set of rules or expectations are no better than any other. Each partner has the right and responsibility to develop an understanding which expresses their needs from the relationship.

Meeting Men
For some of us, meeting people and starting up conversations is not an easy thing. We are afraid of being rejected or looking like a jerk to someone we are interested in getting to know. Gay bars and parties can be intimidating places particularly if we don't know any other people there. It can feel like everyone there is staring, waiting for us to make a fool of ourselves. So we sit by ourselves without talking or huddle among the group of people we know and block the rest of the group out.

Meeting other people need not be as frightening as we think. By following some simple steps we can increase our confidence in talking to others. Of course it will take some time to get used to, but with a bit of determination it becomes easier and easier.

Body language
The way we position our bodies and use our eyes can say a lot about our level of interest in another person. Learning to recognise and use these signs is a very useful way of meeting other guys.

If you avoid eye-contact, have a blank expression on your face and keep your distance from someone you are talking to, the message you are sending out says "Don't bother me!"

If you want to show someone that you are interested in them:

• Move towards the person but leave a comfortable space. Don't overcrowd them.
• Lean forward towards them as you talk. Leaning back shows you're not interested.
• Uncross your arms and legs as this suggests that you are being defensive or on your guard.
• Make eye contact. It can be difficult to look people directly in the eye, but looking towards their face will show your interest and openness.
• Use facial expressions to respond to the conversation. Blank faces don't leave a lasting impression.
• Touch the other person. This strongly expresses warmth or liking

Keep an eye out for their body language too. If they start to open up more with their gestures or body position, you can suggest your interest by subtly copying their movements. This can be useful even before you start talking. If you spot someone interesting on the other side of the room, try to make occasional eye contact with them. Once you have their attention, indirectly copying their gestures will show your interest to them very quickly.

Conversation
Even for the most confident people, starting a conversation with someone can be very scary. Particularly if there is an element of sexual interest involved, fears about being rejected or embarrassed race through our minds causing us to become tongue­tied or even smart-arsed. It is important to remember that everyone feels the same way. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.

Most conversation starters don't need to continue for more than a couple of sentences. They are simply for "breaking the ice" and making contact with someone you haven't been introduced to. Giving him a compliment or cracking a joke are some of the standard ice-breakers.

Asking questions
There are two types of questions - open questions and closed questions. Closed questions are not a good way of getting a conversation going as they simply require a "yes/no" answer. For example asking someone if they come to this bar or cafe often, or if they have the time or a cigarette, doesn't really get you far if they respond with a simple "Yep!"

If you ask an open question, even a corny one about the weather, it allows the person to offer their opinion and takes the pressure off them to think of a question back to keep the conversation going.

The secret to an exciting conversation is to follow your curiosity. If you want to know something about a person, go ahead and ask. They will let you know if you are prying too much, but in the meantime you are showing them that you are interested in them and allowing them to talk about the subject they know best - themselves.

Listening to the answers
Another guideline for conversation is to let the person know that you are listening to what they have to say. This can be done in a number of ways.

• Saying back in your own words what they have been saying.
• Asking questions to get a better understanding.
• Saying what you think, feel or sense about what they have said.

This does three things. First, it makes sure you have understood what's been said. Secondly, it reassures the person you are talking to that you have been listening, and thirdly, it promotes trust and further conversation.

Talking about yourself
Telling people about yourself shows that you trust them. You can start talking about yourself with information that is not threatening or too personal such as describing your job or your latest holiday. From here, you can lead into more intimate subjects and talk about your beliefs or opinions on a particular issue or event such as a recent sporting event, a new music video or what you think of the gay scene.

If all goes well you can then lead into even more personal information which is relevant to both of you. This may be the time to mention what attracted you to him and what you hope to happen between you in the future, such as making a date or going home for sex.

Revealing differences between yourself and the person you are talking to does not always undermine intimacy. It can often enliven conversation and spark further interest.

regular checking on reality Let the other person know that you are interested in getting to know them better, or at least let them know how you feel about them. Tell them what has happened during your time together from your point of view. Tell them what you hope and expect from them. Give the other person an opportunity to object to or correct any false impressions.

reality checks
Sometimes when we think things are going well and that the person we are chatting up or dating is really interested in us, it suddenly dawns on us that we were horribly wrong and the other person is just being polite or has changed their mind about us. This can not only be rather embarrassing, but can also be a real blow to the ego. For this reason, it's a good idea to check-in at regular times to make sure that you are both coming from the same direction. This is very handy for avoiding disappointment later.

The earlier you make these checks on your ideas and feelings, the better. If you've just met or if it's a first date, it's a good idea to discuss how you both feel before the meeting is through.

Remember, it's always better to know where you stand than to cling to unconfirmed hopes.

Mr Right or Mr Wrong?
Usually, the first thing that most people consider when "sizing up" a potential lover is what they look like. Without a doubt, physical attraction is an important factor in finding Mr Right. For some people, it stops there. For most people though, other factors soon come into play to create a complex equation which lets us know if a person is suitable. Factors such as their personality and humour, the way they respond to us, and whether or not our friends like them, can all be key concerns.

There are some other basic principles which provide a solid grounding for a strong and healthy relationship for all people, regardless of their sexuality. In most cases you will need to spend some time getting to know the person concerned. Therefore, it is wise to take your time through the early stages of a relationship to make sure you feel confident about your partner's suitability.

The more experience we have with relationships, both successful and "failed" ones, the more we understand what we need from our partners and what we can offer them. Our list of standards will change over

time, just as our standards and plans for other parts of our lives may change. The ability to recognise these changes is essential for the growth of our relationships.

Maintaining a relationship
Despite our romantic ideals, love alone does not keep a relationship alive and healthy. For the most part, it requires a lot of effort, talking and learning. As mentioned earlier, society has created many false stereotypes and myths about sexuality. One such myth is that gay and lesbian relationships don't last or that they are somehow doomed to fail because they are unnatural and sinful. Despite a complete lack of evidence to support this, gay men and lesbians sometimes subconsciously carry this belief with them through their lives, which can undermine the strength of their relationship.

This myth also causes many gay men to feel powerless to change things when we face problems in our relationships. For instance if sex becomes less frequent and passionate or when arguments happen, we sometimes catch ourselves thinking "Oh well! It was never going to last anyway" or "I knew it was too good to be true." Because of a belief in the myth, many men will run away from both the problems and the relationship. This can lead to some men jumping from one relationship to another without really learning anything from them. It can be an easy pattern to fall into, but in the end, it has few rewards. A series of failed relationships can leave you disillusioned with yourself and other gay men.

We have to remember that relationships are not made in heaven. Just ask most people who have been involved in long term relationships, and time and again you will hear that a relationship requires effort, time and a commitment to try to make it work. At times it can be hard work, but in the end the rewards can be great.

Learning to communicate
As you and your partner discover more about each other and let your guard down more and more, it becomes easier to see one another's faults and differences, particularly when the "honeymoon period" is coming to an end. Sometimes, we may think to ourselves, "This isn't the person I knew last month!" or " I wish I knew that before I moved in with him!". Often, we think that it's best to shut up and ignore these changes to our relationships. But this can lead to them simply smouldering in the back of our minds and making us doubt the love and affection we have for our partner. In some instances, instead of talking about these issues we act them out by being stubborn, physically violent, or by clamming up. None of these ways ever resolves the issues that are upsetting us.

Because of the way we have been brought up as men, we often find it difficult talking about our feelings, even with someone we love and trust. It takes courage and patience to talk about our emotions. But being open and honest with your partner is the best way of solving problems in your relationship. After all, you can't expect him to be able to read your mind. You have to let him know what you think and feel.

How well we communicate depends on how well we say things and how well we hear things. Here are a few tips to help you think about the way you communicate.

Relationships and arguments go hand in hand. Different people see issues differently. There will inevitably be some tension and conflict from time to time in all relationships as a way of working out your differences. Running away from conflict does not get rid of it. In fact, it makes it more likely to grow out of proportion as time goes on.

Most of us are afraid of arguing, especially with our partner. We feel that there is a risk of losing him if things go wrong. However, relationships are more likely to fail if arguments and conflict are avoided. Expressing our needs and emotions is a necessary step to building a strong relationship.

clearing the air saying things Be direct: Make sure your partner can easily understand what you are saying. Say how you feel. "I'm angry." "I'm pleased." "I'm jealous." Say what you need or want: Don't deny your needs. Don't always give in to your partner because you think it's easier or because you love him. If you need him to pay more attention to you, tell him that. Say what you don't want: Don't put up with conditions that make you unhappy as this will lead to your resenting your partner. Say "No!"when that's how you feel, and try to explain why you are feeling that way. hearing things Don't guess at what he means: Check with him if you're unsure what he's saying to you. Don't give advice that isn't asked for: Giving advice when it is not asked for cuts off the opportunity your partner needs to express what he is feeling. Don't give false reassurances to make him feel better: This can say to him that you don't want to hear any more. Listen carefully: Make sure that you focus your attention on what he is saying and listen for the feelings being expressed through the words. Ask questions: This will help draw out feelings and emotions and show him that you are paying attention to what he is saying. Information adapted from Permanent Partners: Building Gay & Lesbian Relationships That Last by Betty Berzon, Ph.D.

If we think about arguing as a positive thing for our relationship, a way of finding out more about each other and working out our differences, then we can lessen our fear of arguing.

Arguing is not about winning, it's about coming to an agreement which is suitable to all parties. Negotiating an agreement usually requires some compromises to be made. Listening to and respecting each other's opinions, as well as clearly saying what you think and feel, will greatly assist in arriving at an agreement which is suitable and acceptable to both of you.

Building better arguments

• Listen to your partner without interrupting him.
• Think about what he has said before answering and giving your side of the story.
• Imagine how you would feel if you were in his position.
• Talk about the behaviour that bothers you and how you feel about it.
• If your partner is being defensive about an issue, take it as a sign to back off or not to keep pushing.
• If you are being defensive about an issue, take a closer look at yourself to find out why this is happening.
• Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
• Keep in mind that you might be in the wrong.

Information adapted from Lovers: Workshop Handbook produced by the AIDS Council of NSW (ACON)